On The Fear Of Sharing My Mind
It would be great to share my thoughts with my partner.
Small points of inspiration happen all the time. I’m usually met with “Why would you be thinking that way?”
I know that my mind is different and I’m an outlier a number of dimensions. I clearly have ADHD, and I feel that I’m likely on some spectrum of ASD.
Can I share that to work through and understand what’s going on in my mind? No. If I shared that with my wife, it would be met with ridicule and characterized as making excuses.
When someone is making excuses, they don’t face a life taking medication daily. When some is making excuses they don’t search endlessly for coping mechanisms and ways that feel natural to them.
I’m not embarrased by who I am, or the way I think. I know there are gaps in the way I see the world. I also know that there are paths that will help me be a better person, and ironically be the type of person my wife would like.
I’m expecting that the rest of my life will have some aspect of therapy to it. Be it for ADHD or ASD - where ASD therapy is likely the one that can have the most beneficial for me. However, right now I don’t have a partner who is there for me as I continue to try to work myself out.
I find it absolutely crushing that I can share ADHD with a select people at work and they show genuine interest for what it is, consideration of the impact, exploration on how I’m dealing with it - while at the same time not being able to share with the person I love the most.
I honestly don’t believe that her view will change unless there is either
- a collection of people that she trusts explaining to her what it is, is not and the impact on both myself and her as a partner. Until she finds that trust I can’t see there be any a path to myself sharing with her. Maybe the counselor will be enough, but that will take months of trust and pain to get there.
- her finding out where she is mentally. She is atypical to the normal in her own way. And like my mind affects our relationship, her mind affects our relationship is fundamental ways.
It’s ironic that the first people to read this will be people on the Internet that I will likely never see, but the person I care about most will never see it.
Genuine interest would be a god-send. She may not be able to understand, she may not be able empathise, but she will know that I’m trying hard to be the best I can be. Without support I look into the future and bigger and potentially more fatal problems stemming from depression. I don’t want that.
I’m not broken, I’m me.
You know what, I’m fine with it. I’m not sick, there is no difference between my curly hair and my bad ear. I have been reasonably successful in my life. I have a lot of learning to do about how to deal with being me and the learning how best to use these to my advantage, whilst also protect those I love from the stressors of me being me.