Whats Our Love Language
As I put my hand on my wife’s leg, I felt no response. She kept fidgeting with her badge.
What does that mean, how should I interpret it? That got me thinking about what our mutual love languages are.
I know mine - I’m not sure if I know hers.
As a basis, there is a book called The Five Love Languages which identifies
- words of affirmation (compliments)
- quality time
- receiving gifts
- acts of service
- physical touch
To help understand this aspect, I pondered this a bit deeper. How do I provide the signal love, what signals do I receive to know I’m loved.
| Language | I show | I understand | She shows | She Understands |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Compliments | + | – | ? | +? |
| Quality Time | + | + | +? | +? |
| Physical Gifts | - | – | -? | ? |
| Acts of Service | ++ | - | +? | ? |
| Physical Touch | +++ | +++ | —? | –? |
In a lot of ways, me not understanding my wife’s love language is not unexpected since she finds it hard to share what she feels. If I asked her outright “How do you show love for me?” I think she would not be able to answer it, likely getting agitated by the need to share how she shows love.
I can easily share my love language.
I provide it by physical touch, the holding hands, the touching. I also provide it by doing things for the other, get the glass of wine, stop what I’m doing, and go help. Even in the context of their being recency in anger and frustration. To a lesser extent, I share it by wanting to be with her. I’ve used affectionate intimacy elsewhere.
I primarily receive it through touch, and secondarily by wanting to spend time with me.
My best guess on hers is that it is through acts of service and quality time, but I rarely get enough signal for that to be clear. It’s unclear how she interprets physical touch from me.
I think there are more nuances and details that go much deeper. Areas like wanting and sharing information, vulnerability, etc are all ways that are important to me that I know that I’m loved.