When Stuff Gets Real It Gets Real Hard
This is hard.
I passively learn, a paragraph here, a detail there, they stick, they attach to my understanding and don’t let go. When the patterns form and inspiration hits, they intrude.
My daughter was diagnosed with ED through weight loss + postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome. If she continued undiagnosed, and unsupported, the end point is up to 20% of death by suicide. The outcome numbers for AN-R aren’t clear but heart failure is another end point. It’s scary as shit.
I had seen some indications through social media, through actions, through the scales. But I hadn’t really wanted to piece it together. I didn’t really want to understand the big picture. Even as I was partially aware and monitoring, I was gathering small, extremely painful pieces of information. Self harm and methods of hiding it, the language that is used, the celebration within those communities.
- Could I share it with my partner, not really - “it doesn’t mean she is doing it”. Mental health isn’t a popular topic there. She’s just being a teenage girl.
- Could I raise it with my daughter, not really - it’s painful for her, she’s smart and hides it well. Without concrete proof, I’m just guessing.
- Should I raise it with her doctor, not really - I’d be fighting the “you are pushing it on her”, no I’m not.
The relationship risk was too high, so I waited.
It came to a head when the doctor called it out. When a doctor says that she could need immediate hospitalization, or she could simply die (yes, the heart simply stops beating). It brings all those little bits and pieces back together into a big picture. The immediate self loathing on all the pieces of information I knew, but took no action on.
It was clear, I should have taken action much earlier. She could have found support within the first few months. She’s now had 18 months and has potentially damaged her body.
In the past I was fighting the rationalization, actively fighting putting together the objective view of what the hell was going on. Now that I’m not fighting and actively learning, it’s scarier than I thought.
I should have dug deep, I should have taken action. I’m a dumbass.
To be clear, right now, she is fine. The vitals are stable, and there is minimal resistance. She’s complying, but she’s always hidden her feelings very well.
Knowledge is great. However knowledge can also eat you up and spit you out if you don’t have it and could have. Knowledge can also be a wedge within your life that can be too painful to use.