When someone is upset, is meeting it with Anger and frustration the right thing to do?
I would hope that in a relationship communicated pain and upset would be an opportunity for consolation, not anger, resentment and blame. I guarantee 100% that there is not motivation for triggering any of those emotions where I’m on the verge of bursting into tears every single interaction to try to do what is asked.
After the counseling session I felt upset, but also happy. Happy that we were going to continue, but also upset that I walked away with the action items. It felt like it was all my fault.
To ground me (and to some extent us), I asked her to tell me what the actions where (to write them down, or preferably add them to a google doc. Although that seemed to agitate it was complied with and I received a little note. The different views on the sessions are stark.
- The actions that I walked away from counselling with were
- We should answer questions more directly (extra context shouldn’t really be needed)
- We should ask more direct questions
- I should not share context unless asked
- I should consider journalling rather than sharing context
- I should be careful about dwelling in the past rather than and basing actions on the future
- The actions that she walked away with is
- I should answer questions more directly
Although I was expecting that sort of result for the first few sessions it hurt me surprisingly hard. I needed to go for a quick walk to process and work out how to incorporate that into they way I was interacting. Her tone and candor to me felt like she walked away victorious - what did you expect? That makes it even harder. Given the preceding day, the actions I had taken and the general behavior I still feel gutted.
It was incredibly hard. Every single interaction had an explicit, mental discussion about should I say this, is it too much, is it too little. That became tiring and exhausting. Shutting down your mental voice and what feels natural, right and good is incredibly hard. I have been near tears almost continually since the session.
So I continue to try hard to follow the rules, feeling worse each day as each interaction forces me to shut down part of myself (see the context note for more information). It was noted, and my wife did what I feared move to blame and anger instead of care and consideration.
- Her: “Why are you being mopy?”.
- Me: “I’m processing the session, and am finding it difficult and personally very hard to comply”
- Her: “What did you expect?”
- Me: “I expected it to more or less be this way, the most important thing is that we’re attending the next session.”
- Her: (Can’t recall exact lead in). “You’re always being mopy, head down, quiet. You just want to bring everyone down”