On Making _that_ Decision
After the declaration on Monday Night, Tuesday was hard. First up was to take what had been said seriously and determine what the next steps should be.
I had left a note with a path for reconcilliation. The TL;DR is that I don’t want to divorce, I would rather we work with each other through any means necessary and would work to get this done. However I wanted to take her words seriously and would contact a lawyer in the morning. The hardest part was placing an ultimatum in the letter. If it gets to the point where we are inking a divorce settlment, the only way back would be a commitment for her to attend counselling, and that take any recommendation for her personal care seriously and would follow up on that.
I went to run an errand and followed up with a call to the lawyer. That was one of the hardest calls to have made. There was no intent to start any proceedings, just to understand and know what would happen if she started.
The lawyer was in a court case and was unable to take my call, asking for a text message. The mental preparation was hard, and painful, and I had not expected to not get through.
As I got off the phone, there was a message that the TL;DR was “Okay, I’ll do counselling, but it is for closure for you, if it doesn’t work you need to agree to be polite”. We’d been down this road before and I admit I was triggered by the “for you” and the “closure” and coniditional. Talking about something being final is not a good path, placing a conditional on it doesn’t help either, and having a suspected outcome is not really a good lead in.
So I had got off one of the hardest phone calls I have made, had started sharing my details with the lawyer and was greeted with a heavily conditional agreement for reconciliation
After years of outright refusal to even consider counselling, and a broken attempt to do it “for me”, I was happy, but frustrated.
My only response I could give was, “It will only work if you want it to”. Just after hitting send for my details.
Immediate response was to retract the offer, and declare it is my wanting my way.
My intent of the followup was to give her the offer to find someone that she can trust, that she feels comfortable with. It allows a clear view that she is engaged and it is not my way. Somehow, it became that it was being made to be done my way. “I refuse to invest any time, research or anything to find someone, this is your thing”. It was outright rejected.
So I’m now faced with a path to reconciliation - which is what I truly what. While at the same time having an evolving path on the other side beginning to form.
The next two days were tough, but not impossible. The lawyer hadn’t come back with details, and we were in a holding pattern for the counselor. At the counseler, partially at my suggestion to do what is necessary to keep Julie engaged I came out with all the actions - primarily, don’t give context, be as accomodating as possible.
I felt ridiculed (Duckmouth), ignored (sure, I’ll cook dinner), blamed (he just goes on and on). I took it, it was hard, it was upsetting. It hurt a lot, but I stayed with it as best I could. After the call, I needed to process so went for a walk. The afternoon was hell, I tried my best to comply. No extra context, no thinking out loud, as specific an answer as possible. It hurt, it was painful.
In the middle of the afternoon, the lawyer responded suggesting a Monday call. This made my feelings worse. My partner had been acting as if everything was fine, and the truth had been told. I was in pain.
The next day was harder, I had a path that I needed to close on, and th mistakes and raised voices when context was missing kept on occuring. I was almost in tears the entire day.
I was dreading the “mopy” comment any minute. That was the turning from everything is fine to anger on her side. It came around 11:00. I now had an angry spouse that would respond in frustration or anger at any interaction. That would question “why” I did something. The coldness towards me krept back in, my numbness continued to get worse.
At 5:00 I had to make a call. I couldn’t keep the path open, it was too painful.
I indicated that we are doing counseling and that it may not be necessary, and is the case kept open, if the counseling didn’t work. The door is closed, but at least I’ve got a contact.
Reflection
Did I make the right decision? I still feel that she is the only (kids aside) thing that I fundamentally care about, and it is worth any pain I go through to get us in a better place. I feel I did the right thing.
Should I share it? Right now I don’t think it is the right thing to do. There is no benefit in sharing that it got to that point.
Fears
I’m torn about what can be shared, and how it can be shared. If I don’t share, the brinkmanship can continue. If I do share, does it set a new level? Where is the point of no return? Is simply sharing that I called a lawyer already that point of no return?
I know we are that close.